Growing old is a fear that Im facing now- Karan Johar

Karan Johar Gets  Reflective With Subhash K Jha As  He Turned 37 On May 25

How did  you bring  in your birthday?
I’m having a get-together. I’ve invited  the  people I respect.

But your best friend Shah Rukh must have beeen in South Africa for the IPL finals?
He was very much here. And of course he’ll be at my birthday get-together.

How’s the year been for you?
A lot of work covered. Now I’m 37. It’s just a number.I might give up the hair dye. I oscillate between dye and  real hair. I give up  the dye then I see someone older with jetblack hair and I quickly revert to my dye. Maybe when I’m 40 I’ll go officially grey.

37, and  growing older. How  does it feel?
Growing old is a fear that I’m facing now. I admit I worry all the time about being alone when I’m old. But you can’t fight your destiny. If I’m destined to be alone, so  be it. At the end  of  the day we all wish for a perfect balance in our lives, but end up dealing with imbalance.Now that I’m getting older I enjoy being alone in my space.

Isn’t that a scary space to be in?
I like being the master of my days and nights. Maybe I’m getting too used to being alone, so much so that I may not enjoy having someone in my life. I’m answerable and accountable  only to my mother. She understands my  passions and weaknesses. The same situation  with someone else seems like a distant and strange option. A couple of years ago I was  looking for a relationship and commitment. I’m no longer sure I’m ready to do that. Life is no longer a poem, novel or a book. I realize life is very different.

It’s a been a stressful year?
Stress is good. I’m happy with the  stress. It’s a  healthy stress. And I’m happy that our production house has undertaken so much work. It’s a new way of working for us. Dharma Productions has never been so active. As much as I groan and complain about living out of  of suitcases I completely enjoy this hyper-activity. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of course it takes away from a personal life. Is that a regret?
No it’s a choice. Thinking about my personal life would make me very depressed. Better to move away from it. Work is therapeutic. It’s a healthy distraction.

Does that mean your personal life is unhappy?
It’s empty. Better that way than to fill it up unnecessarily. I’ve realized emptiness is better than unwanted clutter. I’ve lots of close friends. But I’ve no personal life.

Do you surround yourself with hyper-activity to fight off loneliness?
It’s a  conscious decision to surround myself  with people who are doing quality work. I feel the people in my workplace are a family beyond an immediate family. And I feel I’ve to  constantly nurture that family. It fills in all the empty spaces in my life without any  expectations from me. Isn’t that a great equation?

But that’s like being exploited?
I’ve been subjected to that treatment in the past.You can never run away the risk of being used. I’ve mastered the art  of no-expectation from people around me. I’m attached to and yet detached from people around me. It’s a brilliant balance to achieve. And I’ve been able to do it. I’m able to protect myself from hurt. The level of hurt when I’m betrayed is now  manageable.

Why do you have so many untried directors working for your company?
They’re the hungriest. And they come with no baggage.

But hunger to achieve is not a measure of talent?
It is! The hunger within them makes them tap the talent that they have. And besides these aren’t youngsters from the  blue. They’ve a certain cinematic background besides a hunger  to excel.  At one time I used to see those qualities in myself. When I was just starting out I used to wonder how I could be a filmmaker when I wasn’t eccentric enough to qualify as   one. Now I see I’ve fallen into my own erratic pattern of existence. And of course I’m  strange, therefore qualified to be a filmmaker. My mother and the  people close to me understand my strangeness. Life is as beautiful as you make it out to be. And right now I’d like to think my life is very beautiful.

Your mother went through surgery recently. Was that a reminder of her mortality?
Every time she visits the doctor I am petrified. I’ve been through the process of losing my father. Hospitals and doctors are never a happy situation. But I’m an exceptionally happy  person. Like my mother I’m a  fighter.She’s fighting constantly to bounce back after a health  scare to be there to  hold my hand. To me my mother is not just a person. She’s a power I want to hold on to all my life. - SAMPURN