Sex, scandal, yawn: Books about Madoff, including alleged ex-mistress’ tell-all, are a bust

This is how I see the Madoffs

How to be a Good Penthouse Keeper

Since first she was a blushing bride
Ruth has never left her Bernie’s side.
The couple appeared to be joined heart to heart
and were very seldom seen apart.

Where Bernie went Ruthie went too
joined together as if by crazy glue.
They dined alone in their favourite watering hole
where she was seen to feed him from her bowl.

Of Bernie’s firm she reconciled the accounts
but claims she never saw amounts.
All the former friends who now hate her
accuse her of being his facilitator.

No one can question she showed uncanny skill
as she acted as husband Bernie’s shill,
persuading people who are supposed to be bright
they would be raking in interests that were out of sight.

Bernie has admitted every single fraud
both in the U.S. and abroad.
His wife, however, unblushingly swears
she knew nothing whatsoever of his business affairs.

Those one would expect to have their feet on the ground
were among the eagerest to jump on Madoff’s merry-go-round
At Ruthie’s urging they brought in many a family member and friend
for returns they were told would never end.

Not known for any special gift
except knowing where to get the best face lift,
she was able, she says, to save seventy million from what her spouse
gave her as allowance to keep their New York penthouse.

How did she do it, everyone wants to know.
How did she make her fortune grow?
A claim with which very many will take issue
is that she bought the cheapest toilet tissue.

Did she cut coupons from the papers every Sunday
and redeem them at the supermarket every Monday?
Instead of imbibing a vintage Champaign
did they start drinking sparkling rose wine produced in Maine.

What no-one can deny is her keen intuition
when, like any sleight-of-hand magician
she was able to skim off millions of stolen cash
just before Bernard’s spectacular crash.

She wrote a cook book that never sold
so cannot use that to explain her gold.
Would she not do better by writing for would-be crooks
recipes about the best way to hide how they cook their books?

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A Lie Repeatedly Told. Dear Ruth, Does Not Necessarily Become the Truth

Bernie Madoff , whose stolen billions left no trail,
will spend the rest of his life in jail.
The judge thought for 150 years he should be sentenced
and said he showed not a sign of repentance.

When he heard his fate Bernie said he did indeed repent
but no-one believed a word of it he meant.
None who heard him had the slightest doubt
that his remorse was caused by being found out.
.
So Bernie is assured of his food and of his keep
while many of his victims can only weep.
Some were so overcome with trouble and strife
they were forced to escape by taking their life.

His wife, who could not be pried away from her Bernie with chisel or hammer
now seems happy that her husband is confined to the slammer.
By insisting she is just another innocent dupe can it be that our Ruth
is hoping a lie often told is considered the truth?

Her penthouse is gone and other properties too
as she relentlessly claims that of nothing she knew.
As she is left with only a measly two and a half million
will she in future have to ride on a motorbike pillion?

Now that her high flying life seems to be wrecked
will she change her penthouse for a room in an uptown project?
As she ponders her fate and is feeling depressed
she can forget the friends she persuaded with Bernie to invest.

The two Madoff sons named Andy and Mark
swore they were quite unaware their dad was a shark.
Which is odd as they spent most of their time in his trading room
while Bernie was planning the fraud that led to his doom.

Is it not strange that a family that always together stayed
and, according to those who know, always together prayed.
were unaware of what in their family occurred?
A claim all Madoff victims believe is absurd.

A problem for Ruth and the boys is what they can now do
as they look for a way to get out of the stew.
They could always flee, as others have done before,
to some other country on a far distant shore.

They would be wise to discard any such thought
for wherever they go many are waiting for them to be caught.
They will not persuade the widows and orphans who suffered the scam
that they had not the faintest idea the whole thing was a sham.

How can they recover the vast sums Bernie had not yet cashed
from the offshore banks where they are almost certainly stashed?
A terrible conundrum the poor guys face
is how to get their hands on them without leaving a trace.

So they persist in hoping that their tale repeatedly told
will persuade all who hear it they should be let them in from the cold.
But listeners for their claim give not a bag of jelly beans
and suggest that instead they tell it to the marines.

What is puzzling about the many close pals who handed Madoff their dough
is how easily they could on a swindler their riches bestow.
Now that the felon Bernie is safely tucked away in the jug
are they asking themselves why they never took a good look at his mug?

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